After however long that was, I just suddenly realize how destructive this environment I am trying to blend in is. The people around me are all women who would try to take me down because I am new and I seem like a threat to their job. Heck I am fucking worried if I ever got a damn job, why would y’all do that?? These people would try to make you feel guilty ad feel bad for every single tiny teeny mistake I made. They all make me feel like I am such an idiot, which I admit I partly am since I have worked here for 4 months without any proper paid. People here whine all the time, they would complain about every every fucking thing in this world. I feel like if I cut my wrist anytime any of them whine, I would be dead dead dead way long ago.
This is a fucking destructive environment.
Will this do me any good? Should I stay any longer? Because I swear I can’t last any more time than 6 months if I don’t get proper paid. I would eventually leave and what can a LoR of 6 months does?? So insufficient for my application if I want to go big.
I seriously don’t know what to do. This is taking too much of my time to figure out. What I want, what I want to do, should I wait, should I keep trying, should I just quit and let money be my boss like the rest of ’em?
I keep feeling like I don’t belong. I keep my distance from all of them way more than ever. I feel the distance within myself. I hope this is just the stress. Maybe I should try out some new environment with some new people. Maybe I should try surrounding myself with some new people with new ideas, new perspective, new concerns? In the end, all I’ve done recently was to crawl into my own shell and stayed there and shooed people away. I shouldn’t be like this.
We are torturing each other. I didn’t realize I still have that feelings, a lot of it actually. After however long it was, he finally called me last night. And I was like teenage girl with all the nervous and clumsiness and the butterflies. How about him, I wonder. He just suddenly called me out of nowhere. Too bored? Finished with other girls? Genuinely missed me? I just feel half right half wrong about this all the damn time. There was always a part of me that told me to stop myself from any interaction and attach with him because deep down I know I would be hurt and I would hurt him, or simply shoo him away (not sure if he’ll be hurt). I just can’t help it. I still think of him all the time, with every conversation, every little memories which I am sure he wouldn’t even remember happened. I half want us, I half don’t want us. It is so dangerous to be attracted and connected with someone with the souls. Because in the end, it is always the souls connection that matters.
Everything is just the same old same old, continuing for however long it would be. I feel like I’ve been wearing the same dirty clothes for so long and I stink and everything just sucks. This is so destructive. This isn’t how life should be. What should I do then?