After however long that was, I just suddenly realize how destructive this environment I am trying to blend in is. The people around me are all women who would try to take me down because I am new and I seem like a threat to their job. Heck I am fucking worried if I ever got a damn job, why would y’all do that?? These people would try to make you feel guilty ad feel bad for every single tiny teeny mistake I made. They all make me feel like I am such an idiot, which I admit I partly am since I have worked here for 4 months without any proper paid. People here whine all the time, they would complain about every every fucking thing in this world. I feel like if I cut my wrist anytime any of them whine, I would be dead dead dead way long ago.
This is a fucking destructive environment.
Will this do me any good? Should I stay any longer? Because I swear I can’t last any more time than 6 months if I don’t get proper paid. I would eventually leave and what can a LoR of 6 months does?? So insufficient for my application if I want to go big.
I seriously don’t know what to do. This is taking too much of my time to figure out. What I want, what I want to do, should I wait, should I keep trying, should I just quit and let money be my boss like the rest of ’em?
I keep feeling like I don’t belong. I keep my distance from all of them way more than ever. I feel the distance within myself. I hope this is just the stress. Maybe I should try out some new environment with some new people. Maybe I should try surrounding myself with some new people with new ideas, new perspective, new concerns? In the end, all I’ve done recently was to crawl into my own shell and stayed there and shooed people away. I shouldn’t be like this.
We are torturing each other. I didn’t realize I still have that feelings, a lot of it actually. After however long it was, he finally called me last night. And I was like teenage girl with all the nervous and clumsiness and the butterflies. How about him, I wonder. He just suddenly called me out of nowhere. Too bored? Finished with other girls? Genuinely missed me? I just feel half right half wrong about this all the damn time. There was always a part of me that told me to stop myself from any interaction and attach with him because deep down I know I would be hurt and I would hurt him, or simply shoo him away (not sure if he’ll be hurt). I just can’t help it. I still think of him all the time, with every conversation, every little memories which I am sure he wouldn’t even remember happened. I half want us, I half don’t want us. It is so dangerous to be attracted and connected with someone with the souls. Because in the end, it is always the souls connection that matters.
Everything is just the same old same old, continuing for however long it would be. I feel like I’ve been wearing the same dirty clothes for so long and I stink and everything just sucks. This is so destructive. This isn’t how life should be. What should I do then?
1st July, 2013
Well, here I am, being so unexpected, so miserable and hateful of myself, like, so.much.
I am now actually finally in this scary period. The period I’ve been foreseen and tried all my best to avoid it since my very first year in the university. Still, here I am, being miserable in it. Great. Just great. Life is full of unexpected things, you know. It feels like I am drowning in it, I’m digging myself deeper in it and seems like there’s no escape for me. What the future holds for me? I am angry with everyone and everything for no fucking reasons and I hate myself for that. I am staying hopeless everyday and I fucking hate myself for that. I am staying pretending I am good with it while in fact I hate it to the deepest and I hate myself all the time. All.the.fucking.time.
I’ve been so worried for this period that I have tried all my best to prepare for myself everything that I can since my very first year. I worked, I did many kinds of jobs, positions, I built up the fucking CV since the fucking First year, you know. And now I consider myself a loser every day. Now I am angry, I am hopeless, I am miserable, I hate my life, I hate myself.
Seriously, what do people do when they are in this fucking scary and useless period of life? Or does anyone have to be in it at all? I fucking have nothing. NO-FUCKING-THING. I am a mess, my life is a mess. What should I do now? I am even tried of sending all those applications; I am tired of waiting and becoming hopeless days and days. I am even tired of doing anything. But I also don’t wanna die. This fucking period of life, fuck you.
Maybe the thing you tried all the best to avoid is the thing you definitely have to cope with eventually. God, FML. It’s July already, you know. I’ve been worried for my Jan internship period even since those last months of 2012. And I’ve been worried for my June internship period months ago too. And I end up stay home, doing nothing, staying miserable, staying a loser, and it’s July already.
What do I want now? I don’t even know anymore…